He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
