I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
