I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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