I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
