headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
