A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
