I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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