He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
