miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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