The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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