I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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