you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
