Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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