I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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