If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
