So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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