I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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