can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
