I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
