you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
