I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
