guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
