She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
