when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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