Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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