Is it because I queefed?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
