I think im going to throw up on grandma
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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