i already hear my dad disowning me
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
