Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
why do cheetos always look like penises
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
