Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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