so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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