Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
