And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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