There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
is wine microwaveable?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
