Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
