matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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