I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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