there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
