R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just gift wrapped bread.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
