dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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