I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
