I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
