he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
