You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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