A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In other news, I just burned my penis
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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