So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The uberlube is also flammable
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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