a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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