I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
