once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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