I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
